The Lost King(pin)s...

Alas, the swagger generation of this times will never enjoy the charm of buying a movie ticket in black.  Like many things of my childhood, cinema ticket Blackers are also almost extinct now. Of course, it is next to impossible to find the apt meaning of the term "Blacker"  even in Google (which describes ‘blacker” as the “comparative adjective of black"; such a high-nosed description).

Ask me and any two legged home sapien of Guwahati on the doorstep of forty about Blackers, and eight out of ten will tell you about the nameless memory called BLACKER who turned our dream of watching celluloid stories to reality by making cinema tickets available ( of course at exorbitant prices) when the legitimate ticket counters crushed our hopes.

Yes, I am talking about the time when watching a movie in a theatre was nothing short of a celebration, and laced with uncertainties, which dissipated only when we held those much sought after balcony tickets in our hands. Often, you would dress up and go to the movie hall, hoping to catch the latest Bollywood flick, only to have the 'Housefull' poster stare back at you once you got to the ticket counter. At such mournful moments, a shady looking man, his eyes twinkling with mischief and barely-moving mumbling "thirty for ten" under his breath in the local language, would come to your rescue.

Blackers were plentiful around cinema halls especially on Fridays. These not-so-legitimate characters were an integral part of the movie culture of our times. We could love them or hate them, but their existence was an inseparable entity of the times when movie telecast on television was not yet an epidemic.

These days, Blackers are non-existent. They are no longer found loitering around with the typical Blacker Look in the premises of modernized cineplexes and multiscreen theatres. With online and tele bookings, people don't even need to step out of their houses to buy tickets. Pressed for time and with busier career goals, people are awry taking a chance and landing up to watch movies without tickets. They prefer to reserve seats days prior to the release date. At the same time the prices of tickets have also gone up over the years. While earlier one would still pay Rs. 250 in black for a Rs. 100 ticket, now when multiplexes themselves price their tickets at Rs. 350, there is no possibility left to hike up prices further.

Tightened security in modern multiplexes is another reason for the demolition of Blackers. I am sure almost all Guwahatian between the age of 35 to 45 will remember the imposing policeman of Apsara Cinema Hall with the big moustache who was famously known as Ravaan. He was a terror for the Blackers, the one force to reckon with. Years later, when I was a house surgeon in the Department of CTVS in Gauhati Medical College and Hospital, Ravaan was admitted as a patient and I got to know him by his actual name. But now, unlike traditional halls where the Blackers operated creating a smokescreen from the likes of Ravaan, and could vanish into the crowded street if cops raided, it would be impossible to disappear from the fourth of fifth floor of an air conditioned multiplex manned by dozens of security personnel.

The craze for the “first day first show “ ticket was momentous then. With time and with the advent of alternative forms of entertainment , the lure and magic of movies seem to have lost the shine which glared our eyes in those not - so - ancient - days. And with time, the seasoned Blackers of our days fizzled out as the business of ticket blacking almost disappeared like the dinosaurs.

Sitting on the high-priced recliner row of a posh multiplex the other day with the predictable popcorn paper-bucket in my hands , I wondered about the Blackers. Most of them must have changed preofession. But are they extinct? I feel they do exist in new avatars. My mind went back to an incident about a month back when the internet was down and I had to wait in a queue to buy the movie ticket. Though I had nearly forgotten about the business of selling tickets in black, standing behind this man in the queue at the ticket counter brought back college - days- memories of haggling over tickets of Kuch Kuch Hota Hain! This guy wearing  a pair of Levis jeans managed to buy an entire row of tickets to the Alia Bhatt's latest release and walked away coolly casting a glorious look at me and with the same mischievous look I know so well. Or did I imagine it????

Great Expectations!

As you are aware, inspite of everything that ultimately hapoened, I returned to my first live...Why should not I give up on my first love?

We never forget our first loves because of the way they make us feel — cherished beyond belief. I try to understand my obsession with the boy of my dreams and then, much later, the man that he turned into. The intervening years delivered partners, children and wrinkles, new homes and jobs, new friends, a new city - all with someone else.

But I often dreamt of the boy with the honey eyes and the wonderful smile. Even my dreams about him are predictable and cliché. In one dream we were riding escalators in opposite directions in a shopping centre. I tried to reach him or change direction but kept losing him in the crowd. I remember the time when I rode a nondescript elevator of an unfamiliar building just because someone had remarked that he worked there...

And his voice – it reminds me of the 17-year-old girl with long hair and bags of potential.

I feel that people are wired for love, that's why they keep coming back, despite heartbreaks and losses. And ultimately, when you learn from the past and imbibe the lessons, it is easier to attract what you do want instead.

First love - it is the bittersweet premonition that we can no longer ignore — that time would not stop for us. There's a magical suspension to the days when you are seventeen that keeps the past from ever feeling dead. This love now, I am talking about the rawest imaginable form of love; the love where every decision you make involves that other person. You go to bed thinking of the person, dream about the person and wake up thinking about the person. It's not that there's self-delusion in how we remember the days of our first love, it's that there's true wonder because of the word first. It is a memory, not a haunting, and my feelings live forever in a world separate from but within my life today.

Anyone can fall in this kind of love at any stage in life, but more likely than not, you will only experience this when you  meet the person during the “first time you really, really, want to love someone” phase. I believe that it's more likely to occur when you know yourself and what you really want in life.

The easiest and least complicated way to explain this feeling is the fairytale scenario. It is quite simple: You fall in love once, you both know it and you stay together forever. To the miniscule percent of people who experience this, congratulations, you can stop reading now. For the rest of us, once you do experience or “fall” in love that first time, there will be some twists and turns that you will have to accept. Most of the times, the twist comes from your own stupid or coward actions.  Many of these are comparable to the “fight or flight” response. Let’s say you meet that person who will eventually define what love means to you, but it falls apart or it does not work out. Now, let’s assume you don’t take it very well. Whatever reason was for the breakup, it sort of jolts you real bad, and you do not know which way to turn. You are unsure of youself, even unsure of making a full recovery.

The “flight” scenario response, which was the case with me, this may seem appropriate then, but it has a limited upside otherwise. You run from the heartache and try to replace it with something - anything available conveniently - strictly to fill the void. You will likely rush into a relationship because it’s comforting and it makes you feel less alone. Meanwhile, this new person could be the worst person in the world, but because he or she happens to catch you at your lowest point, it feels right. More frequent than not, this will lead to commitment to conform to the dictats of the society, and after sometime to sadness, and ultimately to a midlife restlessness..

Coming back to the first love – a few of the lesser mortals end up coming back to the person they began with. Yours truly included. Anyways, love is a strangely dangerous game. That is why they call it “falling in love” and not “rising to love.” Eventually, you will hit the bottom, no matter what path you take. Depending on your attitude and decisions on the way down, the bottom can be the greatest place in the world or the loneliest.

So tread with maturity, and let go of your inhibitions… May be it is not a midlife crisis; the reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.

The First Magical Feeling..

As you are aware, inspite of everything that ultimately hapoened, I returned to my first love...Why should not I give up on my first love?

We never forget our first loves because of the way they make us feel — cherished beyond belief. I try to understand my obsession with the boy of my dreams and then, much later, the man that he turned into. The intervening years delivered partners, children and wrinkles, new homes and jobs, new friends, a new city - all with someone else.

But I often dreamt of the boy with the honey eyes and the wonderful smile. Even my dreams about him are predictable and cliché. In one dream we were riding escalators in opposite directions in a shopping centre. I tried to reach him or change direction but kept losing him in the crowd. I remember the time when I rode a nondescript elevator of an unfamiliar building just because someone had remarked that he worked there...

And his voice – it reminds me of the 17-year-old girl with long hair and bags of potential.

I feel that people are wired for love, that's why they keep coming back, despite heartbreaks and losses. And ultimately, when you learn from the past and imbibe the lessons, it is easier to attract what you do want instead.

First love - it is the bittersweet premonition that we can no longer ignore — that time would not stop for us. There's a magical suspension to the days when you are seventeen that keeps the past from ever feeling dead. This love now, I am talking about the rawest imaginable form of love; the love where every decision you make involves that other person. You go to bed thinking of the person, dream about the person and wake up thinking about the person. It's not that there's self-delusion in how we remember the days of our first love, it's that there's true wonder because of the word first. It is a memory, not a haunting, and my feelings live forever in a world separate from but within my life today.

Anyone can fall in this kind of love at any stage in life, but more likely than not, you will only experience this when you  meet the person during the “first time you really, really, want to love someone” phase. I believe that it's more likely to occur when you know yourself and what you really want in life.

The easiest and least complicated way to explain this feeling is the fairytale scenario. It is quite simple: You fall in love once, you both know it and you stay together forever. To the miniscule percent of people who experience this, congratulations, you can stop reading now. For the rest of us, once you do experience or “fall” in love that first time, there will be some twists and turns that you will have to accept. Most of the times, the twist comes from your own stupid or coward actions.  Many of these are comparable to the “fight or flight” response. Let’s say you meet that person who will eventually define what love means to you, but it falls apart or it does not work out. Now, let’s assume you don’t take it very well. Whatever reason was for the breakup, it sort of jolts you real bad, and you do not know which way to turn. You are unsure of youself, even unsure of making a full recovery.

The “flight” scenario response, which was the case with me, this may seem appropriate then, but it has a limited upside otherwise. You run from the heartache and try to replace it with something - anything available conveniently - strictly to fill the void. You will likely rush into a relationship because it’s comforting and it makes you feel less alone. Meanwhile, this new person could be the worst person in the world, but because he or she happens to catch you at your lowest point, it feels right. More frequent than not, this will lead to commitment to conform to the dictats of the society, and after sometime to sadness, and ultimately to a midlife restlessness..

Coming back to the first love – a few of the lesser mortals end up coming back to the person they began with. Yours truly included. Anyways, love is a strangely dangerous game. That is why they call it “falling in love” and not “rising to love.” Eventually, you will hit the bottom, no matter what path you take. Depending on your attitude and decisions on the way down, the bottom can be the greatest place in the world or the loneliest.

So tread with maturity, and let go of your inhibitions… May be it is not a midlife crisis; the reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.

Joining the 40s club...

Much to my horror, I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night with the realization that in a matter of just six and a half months, my 30s will be forever gone.. Yes, I will be all of 40!

The Brian Adams songs, Purani Jeans by Ali Haider and Silk Route numbers are now considered oldies. Other than the Kardashians, and the random Big Boss contestants, I don’t recognize anyone in the tabloids. Who are these people and why are they famous? Also, when I smile coyly and talk for some extra minutes with the vegetable vendor, I don’t get extra discounts  anymore. I find myself making friends with the apothecary in the neighbourhood who stocks dozens of anti-wrinkle formulae and skin hydrating lotions.

I try to join in a conversation between my 20 something nieces..And I say things like, “What’s the name of that actor, you know, he was in that thing?"
Yes, I feel that I am fast approaching 40. Last week my young neighbour casually said, "Aunty, Wow! You look great for your age".

My to-do list still has a bucket list of points to cross off. But I find my tastes getting set in stone, and that's a good thing - no more wondering if it's "cool" to like such and such movie, song , hairstyle, etc. Another thing I noticed was that my energy, contrary to the latest trend of believing forty being the new twenty, is not that of a 20 year old. Late night parties and cooking  up a 5 course meal are not a thing to look forward to.

But you know what? Even when I am not up on the "cool thing," people around me seem to  understand, especially the younger ones seem very sensitive towards me these days. I find myself rejoicing my non-coolness!
I have decided to celebrate the crow's feet and the laughter lines...The repertoire of movies, sports, songs and books that I can quote is pretty lengthy, which impresses my younger friends to no end. Sports,religion, terrorism, sex, racism, and anything else- any topic become vehicles for inclusion. Sometimes it’s for something, sometimes it’s against something. Also, I feel more at peace with myself; forgiving others is easier because in all likelihood I too had made the mistakes they have at this point because forgiveness is much easier when I realize we all make bad choices sometimes. And I am increasingly becoming more comfortable saying "I already said so" because I have learned my instincts are usually right..I am also okay with occasionally handing my kids the mobile phone to keep them from throwing a tantrum; I know that everything in moderation is fine. "Everything in moderation" is my motto and it's been good to me. Though sometimes mottos are meant to be broken, and I know that is okay, too.

I think I have found the right balance by being a little selfish, and by not being totally selfless by now ..The number 40, it is hopefully a little less than half my life, and the opportunity to live life more positively, and a little more passionately!

Everything said and done, I feel that I am due for a mid-life crisis!