We never forget our first loves because of the way they make us feel — cherished beyond belief. I try to understand my obsession with the boy of my dreams and then, much later, the man that he turned into. The intervening years delivered partners, children and wrinkles, new homes and jobs, new friends, a new city - all with someone else.
But I often dreamt of the boy with the honey eyes and the wonderful smile. Even my dreams about him are predictable and cliché. In one dream we were riding escalators in opposite directions in a shopping centre. I tried to reach him or change direction but kept losing him in the crowd. I remember the time when I rode a nondescript elevator of an unfamiliar building just because someone had remarked that he worked there...
And his voice – it reminds me of the 17-year-old girl with long hair and bags of potential.
I feel that people are wired for love, that's why they keep coming back, despite heartbreaks and losses. And ultimately, when you learn from the past and imbibe the lessons, it is easier to attract what you do want instead.
First love - it is the bittersweet premonition that we can no longer ignore — that time would not stop for us. There's a magical suspension to the days when you are seventeen that keeps the past from ever feeling dead. This love now, I am talking about the rawest imaginable form of love; the love where every decision you make involves that other person. You go to bed thinking of the person, dream about the person and wake up thinking about the person. It's not that there's self-delusion in how we remember the days of our first love, it's that there's true wonder because of the word first. It is a memory, not a haunting, and my feelings live forever in a world separate from but within my life today.
Anyone can fall in this kind of love at any stage in life, but more likely than not, you will only experience this when you meet the person during the “first time you really, really, want to love someone” phase. I believe that it's more likely to occur when you know yourself and what you really want in life.
The easiest and least complicated way to explain this feeling is the fairytale scenario. It is quite simple: You fall in love once, you both know it and you stay together forever. To the miniscule percent of people who experience this, congratulations, you can stop reading now. For the rest of us, once you do experience or “fall” in love that first time, there will be some twists and turns that you will have to accept. Most of the times, the twist comes from your own stupid or coward actions. Many of these are comparable to the “fight or flight” response. Let’s say you meet that person who will eventually define what love means to you, but it falls apart or it does not work out. Now, let’s assume you don’t take it very well. Whatever reason was for the breakup, it sort of jolts you real bad, and you do not know which way to turn. You are unsure of youself, even unsure of making a full recovery.
The “flight” scenario response, which was the case with me, this may seem appropriate then, but it has a limited upside otherwise. You run from the heartache and try to replace it with something - anything available conveniently - strictly to fill the void. You will likely rush into a relationship because it’s comforting and it makes you feel less alone. Meanwhile, this new person could be the worst person in the world, but because he or she happens to catch you at your lowest point, it feels right. More frequent than not, this will lead to commitment to conform to the dictats of the society, and after sometime to sadness, and ultimately to a midlife restlessness..
Coming back to the first love – a few of the lesser mortals end up coming back to the person they began with. Yours truly included. Anyways, love is a strangely dangerous game. That is why they call it “falling in love” and not “rising to love.” Eventually, you will hit the bottom, no matter what path you take. Depending on your attitude and decisions on the way down, the bottom can be the greatest place in the world or the loneliest.
So tread with maturity, and let go of your inhibitions… May be it is not a midlife crisis; the reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.
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